By Nikhil Dey
I feel “X” when “Y” happens because I need “Z”. Would you be willing to…? This is the heart of the Non-Violent Communication approach developed by Marshal Rosenberg.
One powerful sentence can change how I show up and improve the quality of my connection with others. Observation. Feeling. Need. Request. A simple formula, not so simple to put into practice.
People may trigger my emotions, but the unmet needs within are showing themselves to me. They (my unmet needs) scream for attention, as I scream at others. What did I see in myself from each episode where I come unhinged? “Pay attention to me…,” “choose me…,” “spend time with me…,” or some version of this need to be seen and heard and validated, is showing up.
“Letting off steam” is how my mother describes it. The pressure cooker moment, when the safety valve releases the steam, keeps me from imploding and possibly that explains my exploding. I guess it’s needed, but choosing when, where, and how to let off steam is important. Steam can be dangerous too and can burn and cause others harm if not released properly.
Another Rosenberg (Moris), a sociologist, identified the importance of “mattering”. The belief that my presence matters, that I have value in the lives of others and make a difference to them.
As we gathered on May 6th (my late father’s birthday) to celebrate his life through a memorial service at the Ooty Club, I was reminded of how much he mattered to how many people. Close to a hundred friends, family, and well-wishers gathered, and we felt his presence in his absence.
He mattered in a way that came alive through the stories that were told about him. What stood out to me was his range. From young to old, from single malt to over brewed dust tea at the road side tea shop, from bosses, to colleagues, from tennis partners to motorcycling buddies, dad showed up with warmth and generosity. He made people feel safe; he made them remember they mattered. He created a safe space for so many, where they could find themselves in his presence.
Dad connected with people in a way that helped them connect with who their true selves. Making the effort to connect with others is my lesson for the week. And in doing so, especially when it’s hard, when I get triggered and feel like exploding, a better way would be to remember the XYZ approach to communicating.
Try it out. I feel “X” when “Y” happens because I need “Z”. Would you be willing to…
I feel “upset and sometimes angry” when “people don’t include me in what’s happening or don’t share plans and just expect me to always adjust” because “I need us all to be connected and together”. “Would you be willing to keep me in the loop and share plans with me?”
In the end, when we are gone, we only leave behind a feeling in the hearts of others. How we communicate is how we connect, and that is one’s legacy. Ask yourself if you need to change the way you communicate. Would you be willing to… ?
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